It has now been one week post my failed fibroid removal surgery and I am in recovery for the next 6-8 weeks. I will be posting weekly updates throughout my recovery. I hope that you find my personal experience in navigating through this critical event in my life helpful and that it aids you in whatever women’s health journey you are on.

What do I mean by a failed fibroid removal surgery? Let me explain.

A large exophytic fibroid was located about 1 month before my surgery. It was supposed to be a simple surgery to remove the fibroid via an exploratory laparotomy, but halfway through my surgery, a complication arose.

Mid-surgery my doctor realized it wasn’t so easy to remove the fibroid, which I should mention was about the size of a melon. What she found was that the fibroid was not exophytic after all and was actually fused halfway through my uterus and the other half outside of my uterus- something I was told is actually pretty rare.

As she attempted to remove the fibroid she worried that she would not be able to remove it without either damaging my uterus or removing a large part of my uterus- meaning I wouldn’t be able to bear children. We had not gone over this scenario during my pre-op appointments and so she made the decision to close me back up without removing anything in order to save my uterus.

What was this all for then?

When I woke up from my surgery, still a little hazy from the anesthesia, I received the news. My stomach dropped and I felt numb. As I try to recall now the feelings, I felt in that moment, I can’t explain to you because I literally felt nothing.

It wasn’t until a few hours later when I was a little more coherent, and after my doctor came into my room to talk to me about my situation and the different options available to me, that things came crashing down on me.

My options weren’t looking too good. Ultimately, I was given 3 options:

1. Consult with another physician who my doctor recommended to see if he can remove the fibroid without removing my uterus since he had seen this once before. But there would be no guarantee of safely removing without removing my uterus.
2. Remove both the fibroid and my uterus, and not be able to bear children.
3. Wait to remove the fibroid. Recover for the next 6 to 8 weeks, attempt to become pregnant soon after while the fibroid was still inside of me, give birth, and then remove the fibroid and my uterus after having a child.

I turned to my partner and asked “Will you think I’m less if I can’t have kids?”

It goes without saying that all of these options sucked! My head was spinning and my thoughts were going a million miles an hour. Do I even want kids? I’ve always said I’ve never had a desire, why is it different now? If I don’t have a uterus, will it make me less? Will my boyfriend still want me? Will any man want me? And so I cried, balled my eyes out, sat in a blank stare, and reached out to my family for support. I was emotionally drained.

I am 30 years old. But I am not ready to have a child. Option three is out.

Now, I am toggling back and forth between my first 2 options. I have yet to make a final decision as I contemplate and meditate on my situation. No option is easy, and any thought process or worry is validated.

Yes, it is valid to struggle with the identity of my womanhood. Yes, it is valid to struggle with the fear of my partner leaving me. Yes, it is valid to worry about finances and time off work. And yes, it is valid to not know what I’m going to do next.

I have a very supportive family and partner who will join me on this uterine fibroid whirlwind of a journey and I am so grateful.

For those of you also going through a uterine fibroid journey, struggle, recovery, or seeking out information, I hope this post finds you and that it helps you in any way. Updates and educational posts will continue to be added and I will be exploring occupational therapy’s role in women’s health.